Suicidal Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick contemplates suicide and has to explain to the kids why religious faith has no bearing on banking on an afterlife.


Morty is playing some hentai game and as you hear the squeeling of some Japanese girl and Morty is about to take off his pants Rick barges in.

"Wubba (belch) lubba dub dub Morty I did it!"

"Wow Jesus Rick...can't you...can't you knock or something? Oh geez. You know i'm a developing boy. I've got all kinds of hormonal sensations going on and you...you're gonna end up giving me a complex!"

"Whatever (belch) Morty. It don't matter how socially stunted you become or are now because I just made THIS!"

He shows in his palm a pill.

"Is that some kind of drug?"

"Better Morty...its a hydronized cyanide pill with no chance whatsoever of failure. Not your sloppy organ failure suicide pills that can leave you bed ridden, not a messy and semi painful gun to the head...this baby WILL kill you and you'll only feel a big ass orgasm when you do it."

"Wow Rick...thats pretty dark. I mean. I mean I suppose everyone should get to decide for themselves when to end their life. I mean where do we draw the line huh? A cancer patient in chronic pain? A brain dead vegetable? Someone who knows his life won't get better?"

"Did I hear grandpa talk about killing himself again?! I thought he was just joking!"

"Oh great...here comes your wormy sister."

"Well at least someone gets too."

"Nice one Morty. YES SUMMER grandpa is gonna kill himself go away."

"But why Rick?! You're like...the smartest man in the universe. You know death won't solve your problems! Everything just goes black as the neurons in your brain seice to function and theres no afterlife..."

"Yeah see the problem there is I DON'T know that. All that bullshit about spooky ghosts and shit might be true."

"Wha...what?! Oh geez Rick. You're dropping some heavy stuff on us here. Now you're gambling on religious coping?! I mean...I mean should I NOT masturbate to this awesome hentai now?"

"I should probably go to church..."

"Would you kids calm the fuck down?! Look, grandpa is taking a huge gamble with this one. Gonna down this pill and kill myself just because I'm a miserable son of a bitch. But thats no reason to go and do something stupid like be a Protestant."

"I don't know Rick...you just said you don't..."

"Both of you to my garage right now. I figured I'd have to give you some perspective."

He takes them to the garage and all they see is a big sheet of paper on his desk and as they gaze upon it they see little cavemen stick figures trembling in fear.

"Wha...whats this Rick?"

"I (belch) figured creating a universe that was one dimensional might you give you dumbasses some clarity. Now move your fat heads. We've already plundered them in darkness for a good while."

As they observe the drawings having wars and developing technologically. They still don't get it.

"So what grandpa is saying is that if he can design this one dimensional universe...than there must be an intelligent designer for ours!"

"I think what Rick is saying is 2D girls are the best girls."

"Morty's closer (belch...) but still no. Watch this."

Rick waves his hand around breifly engulfing them in darkness on and off again. Millions of stick lives lost to weather conditions. Religions start to formulate and the stick figures try to rationalize and find patterns in when the next great darkness shall appear.

"You see that? They are beings of reason...which means jack shit. There's no rhythm to my hand waving. Watch Ill do it again."

"Stop it grandpa! Those stick figures have feelings too!"

"Oh what? And some boy you scoff at cause he's two inches shorter than you doesn't? Fuckoff Summer. Morty you get it right?"

"I think...I think what you're trying to say is that the stick figures comprehension of their god's plan, cannot be known unless they existed in three dimensions. For them this is merely darkness vs light in the presence of our three dimensional bodies hovering over their two dimensional space."

"See Summer? This is (belch uhh) why having a penis is so crucial."

"Ok besides the fact you're just taking random jabs at women because you're a bitter asshole while dabbling some pseudo intellectual frosting on top to get away with it...that still does not explain how killing yourself would put you on a higher dimension to contemplate the complexities of your own..."

"Oh would you look at that."

There's a stick figure with an outline of Rick's spiky hair and a lab coat waving its stick arms saying "wubba lubba dub dub!" It presses a lever on its jetpack and literally tears a whole in the sheet and the piece floats to the floor along with the stick Rick.

"That stick Rick just tore a whole through its two dimensional space and became a three dimensional being."

"But it's still dead grandpa!"

"Now all the other little stick figures are trying to make sense out of the abyss between their occupied two dimensional space. Awww thats cute. They're making little stick dictatorships and forboding anyone to go near that tore fabric of space and time in fear of what they don't understand."

"BUT IT'S STILL DEAD GRANDPA!"

"Summer the fuck you think a fifth dimension is?"

"...A thicc butt?"

"Really thicc Summer. (belch) so thicc in fact time has no meaning. Past, present, future...as baseless and as hillarious as these little stickmen are to us. Or sad...history repeats itself first as tragedy, than as farce."

"So you think if you kill yourself life as you know it will seice and become better because you'll be a conscioussness beyond the scope of measurement and time?"

"Yep... see you faggots never! Haha!"

Rick puts the pill in his mouth and a trippy scene of a floating Rick head throughout the cosmos is seen spinning going through neon color vortexes with complex math equations and some manowar song.

On the 4th dimension Summer is sobbing and Morty looks around saying "Would...Would I be a bad person if I just went back to my room? God wouldn't hate me right Summer?"

Suddenly Rick jumps back up on his feet.

"Grandpa you're alive!"

"Oh...oh gee yeah thats um...swell I guess."

Summer punches Morty in the shoulder.

"Did you meet God? Did you realize that the true purpose of living is the bonds you make on your own dimension with the people around you and no amount of escapism even to another plane of existence can relinquish you from your own hell, and only you can do that by forgiving yourself and loving others?"

"What? Fuck no...I just didn't want to have to work another fucking fifth dimensional job, getting bitched at by some fat retarded fifth dimensional boss again. At least here you monkeys think I'm God. Which basically I am compared to you."

Morty scratches his chin, squinting his eyes looking over at the sheet of paper...

"If 2D girls are better than 3D..."

Morty punches Rick in the stomach. He coughs up a half dissolved suicide pill. And swallows it. He's than in the stick sheet and as they observe if suddenly they see a stick Morty and all of sudden the population of stick figures is growing at an alarming rate with little tiny dots all over their face and dribbling off of their stick figure bodies.

"Holy shit. I think Morty might actually be the real genius here Summer."

"That is the most grossest, low resolution phenomona I have ever witnessed."


End file.
